Sunday, August 31, 2008

i need self control

when it comes to money, boys, and food.

i'm such a compulsive buyer. it's become one of my really bad habits, if i see something, and i like it, i don't even bother to look at the price cause i know i'll have that guilty feeling as i walk to the cashier to pay for it. i'd rather just be surprised. there's really no talking me out of buying something i really want. i'm a spoiled brat. i have so many dresses, jeans, and tops that i really don't need at all. it's become so insane that i don't even have any room to put all my clothes, i'm thinking that even if i do buy the huggable hangers, all my clothes still won't comfortably fit in my closet. these past 2 days alone i bought 8 dresses, why you might ask? i have no fucking clue, i wanted them so i got them. i'm not gonna lie, they're insanely cute. but fuck. i don't need them! and i don't know if i can even wear the to work cause they're a little short, but fuck it. i guess i make pretty decent money at ups, especially for what i do. but eventually i want a place of my own, so i really should start saving up. i guess it's a good thing that my dad's sort of managing my money. ok from now on. no more shopping. i'm going to leave my debit card at home and only bring $40 cash with me wherever i go, cause that honestly should be enough for anything i'm trying to buy. and it really should just be "emergency" cash. ok so that's that.

this is another major thing i need to learn how to control. i honestly think like a fucking guy. i've got issues cause it's really hard for me to get emotionally attached to someone. it takes a lot of time and a good bond/connection for me to really let someone be that close and intimate with me. i mean yeah i'll have a good time with guys and dispose of them as i please and probably never talk to them again and be ok with that. i'd actually prefer it to be that way unless the guy and i end up being good friends afterwards. i mean yeah that's cool. but never do i expect someone to be my boyfriend after a few encounters. and i think that's what throws guys off cause they kinda expect that from girls. they expect me to get clingy, but i don't. if i call or text a guy, it's usually just for one thing. nothing else. i don't need a guy in my life. i can get by on my own. i know i may come off as a really bratty spoiled bitch, but overall, if i were thrown out into the real world, with no support from my parents, i think i'd be able to land on my two feet. sometimes i'm not the brightest crayon in the box, but i'm fully capable of thinking for my self and making good decisions. i don't always do that, but whatever, it's my fucking life. and sometimes you just have to make mistakes once in a while.

i hate being fat. seriously. it's the worst feeling ever, and it's honestly the only thing i'm really self conscience about. everything else i'm cool with. i'm happy with my appearance, clothes, and personality. it's just my fucking weight that always gets to me. especially growing up in a filipino family, i never hear the end of it. the other week i had an aunt tell me to fucking eat one meal a day cause i was getting too fat, i wanted to bitch slap the cunt. i was like what the fuck?! i mean yeah, i know i'm skinny, but i'm not like fucking obese. asshole. that pissed me off. and my other aunt who heard her was like "like as if you should be talking." i was like ha. take that. cause i obviously can't talk back to her, as much as i wanted to , i held my tongue. i'm going to stop eating fast food, no more jack in the box tacos or smoothies. if anything i'll just order the chicken fajita pita, cause i looked it up, and it's actually pretty healthy. actually not necessarily healthy, but it's not bad for you. let's just put it that way. i need to start eating salads again. it's gonna be hard cause i LOVE food. once i stop eating from fast food places, i'll be ok. and i really need to start working out again. i have this stupid fucking gym membership that i'm paying for that i'm not using. ugh. i need to start going. fuck gas. i need to work out.

ok now that i got that off my chest. i'm done.


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