i need a cigarette

seriously. what the fuck is going on. why can't i ever fucking attract a SINGLE honest, good looking guy?! ok so now i'm attracting married men, what the fuck?! ok guys with girl friend's is one thing. but now it's like an epidemic. what is wrong with me?! i'm CURSED. i mean i never ever cheated on my ex-boyfriend, so why is this happening to me. ever since the 9th grade i've only attracted guys with gf's or were at least seeing someone else. never have i made those guys leave their gf's for me, cause i know that if they'll do it to their gf's then they'll do it to me also. and recently i just found out that this guy i sort of had a thing with had a gf. guys are such liars. just tell me upfront whether you have a girlfriend or not. because regardless, i'll probably still hang out with you. i'm not saying i'll fool around with you, but at least our friendship can have an honest start. and from there we can see where it goes. i know girls lie and cheat too, but i'm not one of them. i can honestly say i dated a guy for 3 yrs on and off with out ever cheating on his ass once. yeah i was put in situations when i could have cheated but i didn't. i mean i'm not gonna lie, i was tempted, but at least i had the will not to. i think this is why i don't even wanna get married. i'll be too paranoid of my husband cheating on me and our marriage ending up in divorce. i'm so irritated right now. i wanna swear off guys, but i'm not gonna lie, i've got needs too that only a guy can fulfill, and it's a good feeling to have a guy pay attention to you. fuckkk. i hate myself right now. i'm tired of being the other girl. for once, i want to be in a serious healthy HONEST relationship. but it seems like that's so hard to find these days. almost everyone i know has cheated on their significant other. i can't just jump into a relationship because i have trust issues. i want this person who i'm going to commit myself to, to be a friend first because i made the mistake of jumping into a relationship with my previous boyfriend without starting off with a healthy normal friendship. we kinda just started dating off that bat. and because of that we weren't able to become friends after the break up. so at least i learned my less from that. also i want a non physical relationship with this person first. i want to make sure that sex isn't the only thing he's after. i know that sounds so cliche to say but it's the truth. you don't want to date a guy whose only with you for what you can offer him physically. you want him to want you for your mind, body and soul.

My Top Ten Rules For Dating
1. Be friends first
2. Form a romantic bond or a connection
3. Has to have an awesome personality
4. Make sure you have the same values
5. At least have some things in common
6. Goal oriented; he has to have some form of higher education and a decent job
7. Preferably older than me, if not older than at least mature
8. Knows how to put me in my place.
9. Able to compromise, selfless, unselfish, considerate, that type of shit.
10. Will always know how to make me smile.

i feel lame for posting that but fuck it. i can put hundreds of things on that list, but that's just the general idea of what i'm trying to get at. i mean honestly, are those things really that hard to find in a man? i'm at that age where i wanna explore what's out there and what the world has to offer. so far the world's been giving me guys who are already spoken for. i want one to call my own. not one to share. i'm trying to be patient here, but it makes it hard when these guys come to me. espcially if they're good looking. haha. i'm not gonna lie, i melt for hot funny guys, as superficial as that sounds. but that's just how i am. i like having a good time. but from now on i'll actually care if the guy's taken already. cause i know if i don't stop, karma's gonna kick my ass.